My husband drinks every night: what to do and when to worry
If your husband drinks every night, look closer once he passes 14 units a week, which is less than two small glasses of wine a night.
Most of what helps starts at home and does not need his agreement: a steady routine, no more covering for him, and a calm talk on a sober evening.
If he drinks heavily every day, he should not stop suddenly on his own.
My husband drinks every night: when is it a problem?
A single modest drink most evenings sits inside UK guidance. It deserves a closer look past 14 units a week, and it is alcohol use disorder once he shows two or more of the eleven signs.
Often the worry starts before any count: the evening shrinks to him and his glass, his speech has blurred by seven, and you notice yourself pulling away from him.
How much is too much?
The NHS advises against drinking more than 14 units a week on a regular basis, spread across three days or more.
| Drink | Units |
|---|---|
| Single small shot of spirits (25ml, ABV 40%) | 1 unit |
| Small glass of wine (125ml, ABV 12%) | 1.5 units |
| Pint of higher-strength lager, beer or cider (ABV 5.2%) | 3 units |
NIAAA calls it heavy drinking when a man has five or more drinks on any day, or 15 or more a week. A bottle of wine most evenings puts him inside that range.
Is it alcohol use disorder, or just a habit?
It depends on how many of eleven symptoms he shows over twelve months. DSM-5 grades alcohol use disorder by that count: mild is two to three criteria, moderate four to five, severe six or more, according to NIAAA. If he would rather check himself, am I an alcoholic walks through it.
Can a high-functioning drinker still have a problem?
Yes. The eleven DSM-5 criteria for alcohol use disorder ask about the drinking, not the job, and a man can meet four or five of them and still be first into the office every morning. What to watch for at home is in signs of alcoholism in someone you love.
The dos of living with a husband who drinks every night
Six habits keep the home steadier while the drinking goes on, whatever he decides.
Do keep the family routine going
Meals, homework, bedtime and your own work at the usual hours. A predictable day protects the children from the mood of his evenings, and the house stops waiting to see what state he will be in.
Do put yourself and the children first
Your sleep, your health and the children’s sense of safety come before managing his drinking, and looking after yourself does not have to wait until he gets better. Tell the children plainly, at their level, that Dad’s drinking is not their fault.
If he has been drinking and is about to drive them somewhere, do not let the children go with him: take the keys if that is safe, or find another lift, even if he is annoyed. You do not have to win the argument there and then: getting the children home safely is enough.
Do learn to step back
If you have been the one waking him after a heavy night, getting him out of the door and explaining the plans that fell through, you are carrying the cost of his drinking as well as your own. Over the years that wears you out, and it can also keep him from seeing what the drinking now costs. Hand back what is his a step at a time: his alarm, his calls to work, his apologies. If he drinks every day, stepping back never means leaving him to stop alone.
Do decide your own limit before you talk
Work out now what would make you leave for a while or take the children to stay somewhere else: drinking in front of them, driving after drinking, losing his job. Write it down. When you talk to him, say only what you will actually do: a limit you can keep is easier to hold, for both of you, than one said in anger and dropped later.
Say only what you will actually do.
Do get support from outside the house
A friend who knows the whole story, or a counsellor of your own, gives you somewhere to put what you cannot say at home.
Do take time for yourself
Take an evening walk, or keep one weekend morning that belongs only to you. The person holding the family together needs rest as much as anyone in the house.
The don’ts of living with an alcoholic husband
Don’t give up on him or on yourself
In a US trial of 130 family members, Miller, Meyers and Tonigan (1999) found that 64% of those taught CRAFT, a set of practical skills to use at home, got an initially unmotivated problem drinker into treatment, against 30% of those who prepared a planned family confrontation.
Don’t try to control or stop his drinking
You cannot control his drinking for him, and by now he may not be able to control it either. Pouring out bottles rarely works: he can buy more. And if he drinks every day, daring him to prove he can stop is dangerous: a sudden stop at home can bring on withdrawal.
Why can’t he just stop by willpower?
Because the drink may be doing a job for him. For some men the first glass turns down a temper or an anxiety they never talk about, and alcohol is often used to cope with symptoms of psychiatric disorders even though it ultimately makes them worse, NIAAA notes. Take the bottle away and leave the cause untouched, and it is still there the next evening.
“The client wants to stop but is unable to stop. Therefore, we’ve got to build up the client’s self-esteem, self-confidence, give them tools and their nervous system has got to be able to hold the change.”
Is it dangerous for him to stop drinking on his own?
Yes, if he drinks heavily every day. A sudden stop can trigger withdrawal seizures, which typically appear 24 to 48 hours after the last drink. A smaller number go on to delirium tremens, severe confusion that usually begins 24 to 72 hours after drinking stops.
Withdrawal seizures24 to 48 hours
Delirium tremens24 to 72 hours
Typical start after the last drink, in someone who drinks heavily every day.
Source: Patient.info, clinical guidance for doctors
If he says he will quit tomorrow, contact our team first to discuss your situation and the next steps for treatment. Our medical team decides after an assessment whether he needs a medical detox, and the alcohol withdrawal timeline sets out the days.
If he has a seizure, becomes confused or cannot be woken, call local emergency services immediately. Do not wait for a WhatsApp reply.
Don’t cover up for him
Do not phone his boss with a story or tell his mother he has flu. Covering makes the secret yours to keep, and that is a lot to carry on your own.
Don’t stay where you or the children are unsafe
If you or the children are not safe when he drinks, your safety comes first: leave and contact the police or local emergency services. The talk about his drinking can wait until you are somewhere safe.
The dos of talking to your husband about his drinking
Do know where he could get help before you start
Have one concrete offer ready, so the talk ends with a next step rather than a promise: a free first conversation with our team, 20 to 40 minutes by WhatsApp, video or phone. What the first weeks of treatment involve is in alcohol rehab in Cape Town.
Do have the conversation when he is sober
Choose a calm evening before the first drink, or a quiet weekend morning that is not the morning after a bad night. Sober, he can listen and remember.
Do tell him how his drinking affects you
“I lie awake when you are drinking downstairs” is harder to argue with than “you drink too much”. Name two real moments, then ask, “What can we do about this?”
Do tell him you love him and will stand by him
If you mean it, and it is safe for you, tell him you are not leaving and will be there through treatment: hearing that makes the first step smaller. The full wording is in how to talk to a loved one about rehab.
The don’ts of talking to your husband about his drinking
Don’t talk to him when he has been drinking
A serious talk late at night, after the third glass, often becomes an argument he does not recall the next day.
Don’t shout, judge or blame
Blame usually puts him on the defensive. Confrontation is hard on families as well: in the same trial, 70% of those who prepared a confrontational family meeting decided not to go ahead with it.
Don’t accept that you are the reason he drinks
“I’d drink less if you stopped nagging” is the drinking talking. You did not cause it, and keeping quiet will not stop it.
Don’t rush a plan or expect him to quit overnight
Expect a no the first time, and come back to it on another sober evening. If you fear that pushing will make him drink in secret, keep each attempt short and quiet and leave the offer open. Ask for a call with a treatment team rather than a promise to quit cold turkey. If he refuses outright, you can still talk to us yourself, without his permission.
How Renewed Life Center helps, before and after he agrees
Renewed Life Center is a live-in addiction treatment centre in Lakeside, a residential suburb of Cape Town. You can talk to our team before your husband has agreed to treatment, and that first conversation is free and confidential. We talk through your situation and the next steps for treatment. The call is usually with John Roberts, our Senior Recovery Specialist and Operations Manager, who has 39 years in recovery himself.
What he works on with us
Treatment here goes after the job the drinking has been doing for him. The anxiety, low mood, trauma or burnout under it is treated at the same time as the drinking, which NIDA says is usually better than treating the two separately. Ruby Weber, our psychologist, with more than 20 years in the addictions field, leads the psychological side of that work.
Every weekday is a full therapeutic day, with groups in schema therapy, DBT and relapse prevention, and his own counsellor works with him one-to-one every week, 45 minutes at a time. We use cognitive behavioural therapy, which NICE recommends for harmful drinking and mild alcohol dependence, and EMDR where trauma is part of the picture. Most clients stay a second month, when the work goes deeper into old trauma, relationships and who he is without a drink. A doctor examines him after he arrives, and if he needs a detox, our medical team runs it.
How you stay part of it
Families join a group by video every week, visits are possible from the first week, children can come, and you can have sessions of your own with our team. He keeps his phone, and if he is worried about his job, remote work during treatment can be agreed with his counsellor. His counsellor keeps in touch with the family, with his consent, and plans family sessions when they will help, so what the drinking has done at home can be talked about with a counsellor in the room rather than after another night of it. The aim of that work is evenings that are not arranged around his drinking, plans you can make together, and a conversation you do not have to brace for.
When he comes home
While he is with us, the usual evening drink, the usual company and the pressure of work are further away, which gives him room to work on what he will need at home. Home is where the old evenings happened, so the programme prepares him for going back. He leaves with a written relapse-prevention plan built for your home, and an outpatient programme is there afterwards if his counsellor recommends it. Sober living on the same property is a step in between: work or study by day, back in the evening, and a counsellor every week. We keep in touch with former clients, and anyone who has been with us can come back.
What happens when you message us
If he has just told you he wants help, write to us that day. Tell us what he drinks, how much and for how long, and what happens on the days he goes without. Admission can be immediate and typically happens within three days of first contact. If he lives abroad, we meet him at Cape Town airport, and if he is still drinking when he travels, we can arrange for someone to travel with him.
Ready to talk through the next steps for him? Talk to our team on WhatsApp.Ready to talk through the next steps for him? Call +27 79 880 0045, free and confidential.
Questions people ask
Not on its own, but a bottle most nights sits well past the 14-unit weekly guideline and inside the range NIAAA calls heavy drinking. Whether it is alcohol use disorder depends on the wider pattern of symptoms.
It depends on size and strength. A pint of higher-strength lager or cider holds 3 units, the same as two small glasses of wine, so two pints a night comes to three times the NHS weekly guideline of 14 units. Two US standard drinks a night make 14 a week, one short of the 15 that NIAAA counts as heavy drinking for a man, so the eleven signs tell you more than the count.
Because it changes every evening in the house. You plan the evening around his mood, and conversations after dinner go nowhere. Feeling worn down, angry or lonely is a fair response to living with that. You did not cause his drinking, and your own sleep and health count whether or not he changes.
Do not argue about the label. Describe two real moments, ask what you can do about it together, and keep the offer of a free call open.
Yes, and you do not need his permission. Write to us on WhatsApp or ask for a video or phone call, and we reply the same day.
The fee depends on the programme and how long he stays. We give it on the free first call and send it in writing the same day. It covers his room and all meals, and one-to-one, group and family therapy.
If the evening bottle has become every night, talk to us before you talk to him.
You can talk to our team before he has agreed to come. When he is ready, Ruby Weber, our psychologist, and his own counsellor work on what the drinking has been covering, you join a family group by video every week, and he goes home with a written plan.
Writing for someone else? You do not need their permission to message us.
or call +27 79 880 0045
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Sources
- NHS: calculating alcohol units
- NIAAA: understanding alcohol use disorder; drinking patterns; co-occurring conditions
- Miller, Meyers and Tonigan (1999), Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology
- NIDA: co-occurring disorders
- Patient.info: acute alcohol withdrawal and delirium tremens
- NICE CG115: alcohol-use disorders (update 2022)
This article is general information, not medical advice.